Mindfulness Retreat Wat Suan Mokkh

Exactly one year ago, I left Suan Mokkh Monastery in Thailand's south after a 10-day meditation retreat. It was a very special and appropriate way to start an eventful year.

I remember as I tried to find sleep on my wooden bunk, hearing firecrackers faintly in the distance, heralding the beginning of 2019.

I turned over again and tried to ignore the pain in my hip from the hard bed. Soon enough I would have to get up. And indeed, punctually at 4 a.m., the gong sounded, which was to send us on the journey of inner peace, but also an emotional roller coaster ride.

The day before we had to hand in all our cell phones, computers, music players, etc. so that we would not be tempted to distract ourselves with entertainment. So that we remained with ourselves every moment in the following 10 days, taking in every single breath.

Books and stationery were not welcome either. However, I could not hand over my entire travel backpack with all my clothes and books. So I took it with me to my cell. And of course, I also had a little bit of Andreas Altmann in mind, who wrote in Triffst du Buddha, töte ihn (If you meet Buddha, kill him) that he violated only one rule during his ten-day retreat in India. Every night before going to bed, he wrote in his diary. Every other addiction or rule he could endure: Nicotine, caffeine, not speaking for ten days... But not the refrain from writing.

So I also had my little travel diary at hand and wrote a few lines when I found time during my lunch break or in the evening.

Reading through my journal now, I notice a few things:

• that back and leg pain kept me very busy
• that the emotional ups and downs could change from hour to hour
• that the monkey mind is untamable (by this I mean the permanent rambling of my mind)
• and that too much was talked about Buddhism and its favorite topic "Dhukka" (the suffering of mankind).

It all sounds pretty negative now. Nevertheless, it was a very special experience that I wouldn't want to miss. On the contrary, I want to do it again. Because when does our mind ever get a break in our hectic world? When do we ever concentrate on dissolving the eternal stream of thoughts in our heads?

For ten days, that was possible. Nothing to think about. Nothing that I still had to do. Completely isolated from the outside world, we were left to ourselves. For most people probably unimaginable, even frightening.

I would now like to bring you a little closer to my experiences, thoughts, and feelings by showing you excerpts from my diary. In between, I might have to explain a few things. Let's see...

Day 1 - Evening

Question: "How do you feel today?"

Answer: "There is no You at all. Just as there is no I. Only breathless breathing. Uh, I mean, breath without breathers. But if there were an I and a You, I'd invite you over for a few beers and some good music. And after that, I'd find me a pretty girl for the night."

On the first long day already I have thoughts about giving up. Especially this speech in the Dhamma Talks (Buddhist teachings that we get to hear every day) about "Suffering" is not quite my cup of tea.

If I only could do the lotus position, it would be more pleasant.

I think a lot about home, about everything else you could do but be here now.

Of course, I continue. I wonder where this will lead?

(The first paragraph is probably a joke my mind told me while sitting for hours. The first day was long and hard. I just wanted to get away from there. And yet, curiosity prevailed. What else would come?)

Day 2

Not easier. But shorter.

Sitting is the most difficult thing at the moment. I can't concentrate because of the constant leg and back pain. Standing is better.

Day 3

Again, I get far too little sleep. We're indeed in bed by half-past nine. But I always wake up, rolling on the hard wooden board. Always once a night on the pot. I dream. Of people I know. Of home.

In the morning my legs and back hurt. In the afternoon I can focus a little better and control my thoughts a little from time to time.

I've found a middle ground between standing and sitting that seems to work. Now it's just a matter of "breathe in, breathe out." Eventually, it will work. No expectations. Patience.

Day 4

Despite little sleep, the day starts quite promisingly. I feel in a good mood, focused. After breakfast, I jump briefly into the hot springs (yes, the monastery has its own hot springs!). Even the thunderstorm doesn't bother me.

Then suddenly the mood tips. In the "Happy Hour" chanting-hour (there I mean the Loving Kindness meditation class we had daily at 5 p.m.).. Der Monkey Mind wirkt gerade zu böswillig. Zuviel Geschwafel über Dhukka, Love & Happiness. Sie (the Buddhist nun who leads the lesson) has nothing useful to say, always giggles stupidly.

Others seem to feel the same way, too. They don't participate, they lie around lazily.

The first two have fled today. Although you may leave the retreat early only for serious reasons, they probably could not stand it any longer.

Patience is put to the test. How on the same day the mood can tip from "I'm already looking forward to the next meditation lesson!" to "Enough with the religious Buddhist bliss, I need something else again!".

Good. So I have understood that. Nothing remains but to turn off the mind and to be back on the mat at the next gong. Whether it whirls the trees around our heads outside or not (a two-day tropical storm was approaching)..

And of course, the thoughts can't be turned off after all. What should I do when I get out of here? What should I do when I'm back home? Offer meditation in Aarau together with Bowen, massage, Taiji? (I was thinking about starting a massage training at the time).With Chris (my yogi friend) I could open a farm retreat. Wouldn't that be something!

From today's teachings:

How to focus on the breath?

1. Consciously take long breaths, consciously take short breaths. Feel the difference. Count the seconds on the inhale and make the exhale the same length. If you can do that, then
2. Trace the breath as it flows in toward the nose, down to the tops of the lungs, and back until it leaves your body through the nose. Repeat this constantly. If you can do that, then
3. With each breath, concentrate on one point, preferably the tip of the nose. Always feel the breath at that point. If it's easier, so you don't digress, count each breath to ten and then start over. If you can do that, then
4. See/feel a white sphere in front of your third eye (it can resemble the sun, the moon, or a candle flame). Eyes can be closed or open. Feel/see this sphere with each breath. If it works, you can start to play with it. Change its size, shape, color, etc.

(These are the first 4 of the 16 steps of Anapanasati or Mindfulness Breathing Meditation. If I remember correctly, by step 16 you are already quite enlightened)

The 4 hindrances

Explanations for the table below:

1st row: The images. The mind is pure, clear water that is stirred up by desires and feelings.

2nd row: Explanation of the hindrance

3rd row: What method can I use to overcome the hindrance?

I feel that the 3rd hindrance (restlessness and inertia) is my biggest problem.

Day 5 - What a day!

The morning progresses quite as desired, then, after breakfast and a bath in the hot springs, nothing works. I'm dog-tired and can't concentrate.

Should I really continue to put up with this humbug? It would be so easy to stop. And then the big red ants attack me when we are trying to clear away a tree felled by the storm. I've never been so full of critters! In my hair, on my scalp, everywhere they have bitten.

A natural head massage. Which not all of them survived. Remember the first rule? (the 1st fundamental rule of Buddhism: Do not kill)..

Then - lo and behold - after a short midday nap, it went slowly but steadily uphill up to the "happy hour" which was nice today.

I had small insights today. Like, "When I eat, I eat." doesn't mean that I should think "I'm eating" when I eat, but that I should consciously feel the activity of eating, the sensation of it. Mindful eating.

Well, this is nothing new, but the meaning became clear to me again.

Taming the monkey mind remains hard; it's tough. So get back to the bacon and keep practicing!

Day 6 - Is there more to come?

Somehow the air is out a little. Not even a week I'm here and already routine has crept in. Live the Now! Dhukka here and joyful being happy there.

The Monkey Mind remains, as does the back and leg pain. What do we learn? Patience!

Be patient, keep going.

Do it the Buddhist way: Without expectations, but with effort, success comes by itself.

They say. Four days to go. So hang in there and keep going.

Note: Pema Chödrön: "The Widsom of No Escape."

Day 7

Hot days, today and yesterday. Three more!

Learn: be patient, practice discipline, let go of your ego.

The thoughts can't be turned off. The pain doesn't just go away. Accept that.

Where should I go after the retreat? Australia? Taiwan? Yes, making plans for the future again.

Meditation tip: Try to pick up a thought that arises and continue to spin it willfully/actively. Practice this for 1 minute, then 5 minutes, then an hour... It's almost impossible. I concentrate on the thought so much that the head stays empty! Is this reverse psychology or what?

A comparison: The mind = anthill

Day 8 - The Master has spoken

I ask Suphol, my favorite teacher, what I should do about the constant pain. He advises me to always change position when the pain becomes too great. It's not all about sitting. If you can only sit for ten minutes, get up.

To his closest disciple, Buddha said that he was too attached to him, Buddha, he should let go. Later, this same disciple was enlightened when he changed his position. Ok.

Modesty is something else that I can take with me from here. Be it in eating, drinking, and all other consumption.

Be friendly and calm.

But the whole Buddha and Dhukka talk gets on my nerves. We are not a cult here. That's why someone said that this retreat is a bit "cultish".

Nevertheless, one can overlook it. I believe, even though they say that you can't have one without the other (where Buddhism is the theory, meditation is the practice of that theory), that you can meditate to become calmer, to understand certain principles of life, and to find a balance for yourself. And to live more often in the Now.

Imagine a completely Buddhist world. Everything is peace, joy, and happiness. Sounds boring? Sounds impossible?

Everyone would have to live Buddhism fully. From the outside, it's a pretty dead world. They are all hale and hearty, practice yoga and Taiji, never insult each other, consume almost nothing. And of course, they meditate ten hours a day. No music - but chanting, no dance - but walking meditation, no fire, because that is extinguished.

And no soft pillows and beds. After all, a board and a wooden pillow under your head will do just as well.

And they say here that this is the only true way.

Once again, I find a middle ground between this Buddhism and ordinary life the more suitable.

One thing is certain: A good breeze of Buddhism would help this world a lot. Away from blind consumption and materialism. Less is more. Again and again.

Day 9 - Day of silence

We are on our own today. It almost feels like an exam. No Dhamma talks, only meditation.

It is a beautiful day without boring, tedious talking and having to listen. But the day is also exhausting. After nine long days, I feel really tired. In addition, my back aches, I hardly sit down.

But tomorrow we already have the last round. So let's enjoy the perfect world in here once again.

Counting to 100, I can focus well on my breath for a while.

I diligently practice Taiji, sitting, standing, walking. And yet my monkey mind triumphs again and again.

What do I take with me?

• Something to work on: Meditation
• I have discipline, but I need to work on patience
• Modesty, I always have to remind myself of it anew
• Put the past and future in the background more often, live more in the present. This keeps the mind sharp.

Day 10 - Last day

I am not very motivated anymore. I have trouble concentrating. Instead, I've been practicing Taiji, which is very nice out here.

Then once again, we eat really well (the lunches were always first class!), once again a hot chocolate instead of tea for dinner.

Of course, it also creates dukkha/suffering to look forward to these things, I know.

But yes, I have heard enough of dukkha, Buddhadassa, Ubatanda, kandas, and the Prison of Life (as described in today's Dhamma Talk) for my lifetime. "We all live in a spiritual prison. Whether we are aware of it or not. And we want to break out," they said.

Everything has such a negative tinge. Give up the positive and only meditate and live abstinently? I don't think so. I prefer to live with the negative. Excitement is acceptable.

Of course, it would be healthier for the body and mind. But for the soul? It needs excitement, fun. And chocolate!

In the end, they put us to work for another two hours. Raking leaves = meditation during work.

Tonight we get to have a public exchange. Let's see if anyone has anything to say. And whether it sounds similar to what I'm thinking right now.

The "public sharing" was eye-opening! Nonstop people were talking. Beautiful how they poured out their hearts. We heard life stories that included terrible experiences, like suicide attempts and sexual abuse. We heard touching things that can change lives. We heard happy, content, and also crying people.

And me with my negative thoughts! I often see only the bad in things instead of enjoying the beautiful. I lock myself up, which makes me unhappy. Dukkha and again dukkha. Some people like to suffer. Apparently, I haven't understood it yet.

How serious life is for certain people. How meaningful it can be.

Open up! Allow it! Accept it! See the beautiful side of the world. Also in the people. Do with pleasure what you do. Do what you like to do!

Once again I let myself drift. But mindfully. Open to new things, open to the world, open to people. Friends, not enemies. Now and here.

Whew, thanks, that was revealing.

I have a great desire to add another ten days of meditation right away!

Satu, satu, satu.

Finally, I would like to mention that the things written in my diary are snapshots of my life at that time. My attitude has changed since then. Towards Buddhism, which I don't always let off lightly, and also towards the retreat, which in my eyes could do some things better, but all in all does a valuable job, almost entirely voluntary, and gives us space and time and guidance to reflect on ourselves. I am very grateful for that and still draw strength from it today.

Since then, I have often talked about my experiences. Quite a few people responded respectfully and with wide eyes that they thought it was great, but couldn't imagine being alone with themselves for ten days. "I'll never last that long with myself!"

My answer to that remains the same: "That's what it's all about. It is an art to endure yourself. Learn to bear with yourself, to be alone with yourself. And reap the resulting serenity, balance, and kindness."

Probably not everybody needs to meditate to feel better and healthier. But it would help everyone, the individual as well as humanity.